To NICU Parents

Creating a life and ensuring survival is hard. It’s a journey fraught with waking up multiple times at night, feeding, diapers, teething, and soothing. When you have a baby with extra demands, it impacts parents immeasurably and exponentially more. Oxygen tanks, chords, tests, surgeries, bad news, disappointments, obliteration of expectations, and fear compound. A responsibility that is hard in the best of circumstances made significantly more challenging. Taking nothing away from the love and joy of bringing life into the world, it’s essential to acknowledge the space between “normal” and the reality faced when babies have significant needs. 

Our first child was typical. As first time parents, we were stressed, afraid she would stop breathing at night, learning as we went. Our second child was diagnosed at birth with Down syndrome. This came with weeks in the NICU, oxygen tanks with short cords, feeding challenges, developmental delays, and open heart surgery at six months to name a few. Our son is the light of our world. We did it all without hesitation and with guilt for our frustration, sadness, and fear. It shook our world challenging and testing us in many ways. We made it. 

Now, our son is in all the therapies, has introduced us to a whole world we didn’t know existed, and brings nothing but joy. We never differentiated or acknowledged the differences between him and our first born. This, in hindsight, was probably due to the amount of energy it took to get through, feeling guilty to acknowledge he is any different than anyone else, and focusing on how much we love him.

On Tuesday 8/22/23, we had our third child. She is healthy (and beautiful) on all counts. We had a moment where we were struck by how “easy” she is compared to our son. It took the birth of a whole new human being for us to acknowledge fully the challenges we navigated. This realization granted us a unique perspective. I’m writing this as a letter to those who had or children who spent time in the NICU, that weren’t able to hold them after birth because they were whisked away, waited months until their baby could sleep on their chest, and did everything without hesitation through challenging times. 

If there is nothing to compare to after that experience, it leaves a weight on your heart that is impossible to name. It’s hard, very clearly hard. Everyone who knows what you went through prayed for, supported, and encouraged. Yet, when you’re in it there’s no room for acknowledgment and appreciation. I want you to fully appreciate what you have been through. Have pride in the character displayed, support from friends and family, and be encouraged that you endured a strenuous thing many have not. This is not to boost ego, it’s to appreciate what you’re made of. Parenting is hard enough. You were dealt an incredibly challenging hand and came out on top. That should be celebrated and appreciated—most importantly by you.

You did it because you were called to it—not by choice—by need. It shaped and altered you forever. Honor that. Hold dear to the lessons learned through tribulation. Listen to the song that helped you through with new ears. Absorb reality empowered by the experience. Love yourself more for the journey.

Twilight Zone 2020

Imagine you’re in an episode of the Twilight Zone.  When you wake up, everything is normal at your house.  Your parents or spouse is/are the same, sibling banter is the same, food is the same.  But, when you get to work, people are acting differently than at home.  You have to change how you act or you get reprimanded or worse—lose your job.  So you do it, you act different than your authentic self just to get by.  Knowing if you stayed your authentic self you’d be a bigger asset if the powers that be could see it, hear it, respect it.  You see your culture being used to make companies money, but still your perspective is not valued at work.  How long would it take you to get frustrated?  How long would it take you to get angry?  How long would it take you until you freaked out?  

This is the reality of Black Indigenous People of Color (BIPOC) everyday in this county.  It is called code switching. BIPOC must “act white” to navigate various environments.  The term for white culture having tension with BIPOC is called cultural mismatch (I’ll write more about that later).  We know Black culture isn’t bad.  Obviously, white people have leveraged it for our own wealth and enjoyment for many years.  

The root issue  is white people are disproportionately in positions of power and wealth due to centuries of legislation and economic tactics to keep BIPOC in poverty.  This gives gatekeepers (e.g. human resource departments, home loan officers, advanced placement selection committees, etc.) the power to say, “This person doesn’t act like a ____... so I think we should go with (insert white person).”  Now, are these gatekeepers members of the KKK, no—at least I hope not.  Most are decent, nice, people that hold implicit bias that coaxes them to their cultural comfort zone.  Which is incredibly detrimental to BIPOC. 

One of my favorite words I learned, at least to a higher degree, during my doctoral coursework was elasticity.  It’s just like you think, how far something is able to change shape or volume and maintain integrity.  America is not a white county.  It never was, never will be, and never should be.  The thing about our American elasticity, is the more we stretch and grow the stronger we become.  Diversity is strength.  Keeping a status quo is dangerous and weakens us.  Polarizing oneself so that all you hear is “the party’s talk” is dangerous and weakens us.  Be independent, be elastic, grow, stretch, experience, and become stronger for it.  

Help BIPOC get out of their 400+ year twilight zone episode, where it’s not a game or entertainment.  People die.

2020 Black Lives Matter

This is an addendum to the original piece I wrote in 2016.  I want to start off by expressing my perspective.  In order to being correctly, I need to identify myself—I am a white, male, middle class, able bodied, heterosexual male.  I belong to every dominant culture group there is.  This does not mean I haven’t worked hard to get to where I am, believe me, I have.  But what it does mean is that my race/gender/sexual orientation/physical ability has not been an obstacle in my life as it is for many black, Hispanic, Asian, LGBTQ+, and disabled people in this world. 

 

As someone who has lived the life from my lens, I think it is crucial to suggest that names, skin color, sexual orientation, and even the level to which one is able bodied impact lived experiences.   If you change any one of the previous categories from what I am, you will have a vastly different life to navigate.  Weather your positions are based in religion etc.… you do not have to agree with the life style of others, but I do implore you to AT LEAST acknowledge that their life path is vastly different.  Taking that first step allows you to accept someone else’s perspective as real (weather you like it or not is irrelevant to their lived experience).

 

There are so many things to get into here, like micro-aggressions, economic impact, representation in GT classes, historical context, and damage of colorblindness (“I don’t see skin color”) but that is not the objective of this piece.  The objective of this piece is to develop understanding and open hearts and minds to those who are different than me (white, male, heterosexual, able-bodied) to those who are different.   I wish it was as easy as isolating race for me, which crucially important, but I cannot mention one without the other.  Ethics is ethical.

 

On to my amended piece from 2016, small edits where made…

 

Given historical and contemporary events, I would like to state my position on equity in this country. To understand my perspective, I find it important to explain my process that has brought me to this point – as this work is a process not a political stance. I am, above all an educator. I am tasked with educating the next generation of leaders, adults, and contributors to society. I have participated in workshops on equity, interviewed close friends on the role race has played in their lives (and in their kids lives), and am currently in a program where I seek to end inequities in education. Some amazing authors on race, class, and representation; authors include Kenneth Howe, Paul Gorski, Tara J. Yosso, Carolyn M. Shields, Beverly Daniel Tatum, and many others. I highly recommend reading their work to build perspective.

 

I have read a lot of research on how race, socioeconomic status, and geographic placement impact academic success. I have taught and worked in vastly different schools. I have listened to emotional performances from underrepresented populations. I grew up idolizing people who did not look like me. I ran a multicultural fair during my undergrad in Nebraska. I say all this to say, I have made a life out of seeking out perspectives different than mine.

 

Through experiences, conversations, and research I have concluded unequivocally that white privilege and institutional racism exist. Although there has been much progress since the Civil Rights Act in 1964 –the 13^th Amendment (1865), the work of W.E.B Dubois (1868-1963), Malcolm X (1925-1965), and Marcus Garvey (1887-1940)– we still have a long way to go. In my opinion, victim blaming is the most important area we need to address. For example, what video of this person can we find of them doing anything remotely wrong to somehow justify their wrongful death.  In education, it is easy to blame students success on their circumstances but it is much harder to learn about their specific individual obstacles and attempt to address them: transportation, work schedules, child care among many. We must move away from this idea of connecting our lived experience to those of others, there is little to no reality in doing so. We must move to a mindset of actively learning—continuously—the specific circumstances of people different from oneself prior to passing judgment in order to properly understand, acknowledge, address, and correct them.

 

 

This is not a “minority” issue. Those who belong to the dominant culture (white, able bodied, heterosexual males) and subsets of that group need to recognize their part and work against the systems that currently exist to ever have any dream of remedying them.

Pointing out the Issue: White Privilege and Institutional Racsim

Written by: David A. DeRose

Given historical and contemporary events, I would like to state my position on equity in this country. To understand my perspective, I find it important to explain my process that has brought me to this point – as this work is a process not a political stance. I am, above all an educator. I am tasked with educating the next generation of leaders, adults, and contributors to society. Although I no longer teach, I am forever dedicated to the work of education. I have participated in workshops on equity, interviewed close friends on the role race has played in their lives (and in their kids lives), and am currently in a program where I seek to end inequities in education. I’d be happy to share articles on race, class, and representation; authors include Kenneth Howe, Paul Gorski, Tara J. Yosso, Carolyn M. Shields, Beverly Daniel Tatum, and many others. If specific articles are desired, please do not hesitate to ask.

I have read a multitude of research on how race, socioeconomic status, and geographic placement impact academic success. I have taught and worked in vastly different schools. I have listened to emotional performances from underrepresented populations. I grew up idolizing people who did not look like me. I ran a multicultural fair during my undergrad in Nebraska. Long story short, I have made a life out of seeking out perspectives different than mine.

Through experiences, conversations, and research I have concluded unequivocally that white privilege and institutional racism exist. Although there has been much progress since the Civil Rights Act in 1964 –the 13^th Amendment (1865), the work of W.E.B Dubois (1868-1963), Malcolm X (1925-1965), and Marcus Garvey (1887-1940)– we still have a long way to go. In my opinion, victim blaming is the most important area we need to address. It is easy to blame students success on their circumstances but it is much harder to learn about their specific individual obstacles and attempt to address them: transportation, work schedules, child care among many. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (2009) speaks of single stories in her Ted Talks. We must move away from this idea of the single story and actively learn the specific circumstances that people face daily prior to passing judgment in order to properly address and correct them.

Lastly, I am a white, male, able bodied, Christian, heterosexual male. I belong to every dominant cultural group. I believe whole-heartedly that these issues will be resolved only when people like me address and remedy them.  It is not a “minority” issue. Those who belong to the dominant culture need to recognize their part and work against the systems that currently exist to ever have any dream of remedying them.

Home

Home

Written by: David DeRose  

A feeling that is marrow deep

Desire that fuels hope 

Neither a place or destination

Instead, a place of being

A found meaning

A challenge accepted

Service worth devoting

A message worth delivering

Adversity and doubt counted but found unsubstantial

Soul meets discussion and action

Identity displayed freely

Hope and change no longer cliché

Rather, action and execution

Potential regarded boundless

A goal achieved

A need met

Lives changed

Home

Picture taken 2015 by David DeRose

Mom

Mom

Written by: David A. DeRose

Strong yet gentle

Fierce as a grizzly bear yet cuddly as a teddy bear

Powerful yet tender

Advisor and punisher

Builder of spirits and breaker of strong will

Transporter and teacher

Detective and restorer

A shoulder to cry on and an honest word when needed

Full time worrier

Moral compass

Adapter to the many seasons of childhood

Life giver 

Mom