Lost in Perfection

Lost in Perfection

Written by: Dave DeRose

Flaws in my thinking

I used to believe if things weren't perfect than they weren't meant to be. It was a philosophy based on a misconceived perception of a need for perfection. This has negatively impacted multiple areas of my life. I will identify these areas and describe the impact this method of thinking has had on my life.

Relationships

I'm not a patient man. I am the guy who is a very passionate when a relationship begins to bud. I get overwhelmed with joy and filled with excitement. Blind to my new love's flaws I fall fast and hard. Time and time again, without fail, within the first year, the "tingles" begin to fade. I begin to see my new love in a different light, warts and all. This is where things go south. I believed that things should be perfect all the time and that relationships shouldn't be work, They should flow like a gentle stream. However when the stream turns into rapids, my response is always the same: I bail. I would find excuses to end things. 

Work

I became a teacher because I am a self-proclaimed history nerd and I truly love inspiring students to improve their understanding of how the world around them works. For the first three years, I absolutely loved my job and couldn't have seen myself doing anything else. I was blinded to the flaws of education. However, I have been admittedly struggling for the past two years. I teach at a school that is high impact, and things are rarely perfect. The adrenaline of a new career is wearing off. The resistance of the system is being unveiled.

Work should be perfect, right? Trying times with hard student behaviors, attitudes, reporting abuse to child services and seeing nothing done, and  parents who don't value the work I am doing. Many don't treat teachers as professionals. The thrill of inspiring students all but faded. I found myself just trying to get through the day. I started to play the blame game, just like my relationships. I blamed the money - teachers don't get paid much, I blamed my political stance - I don't have traditional views on education compared to most teachers, I blamed it on my success as a personal trainer - business was going pretty well. I was executing my exit strategy. 

Realization

What I had to do was acknowledge my depression and reflect on why I was feeling this way. Fortunately, I was guided by new friends who introduced me to literature that helped expose answers. The most vital realization was that tingles and excitement fade. Nothing is new forever; whether in relationships or career.

The fact is that we -weather self or society imposed- are often defined by our relationships and careers. So what do we do when we realize things aren't perfect? The answer is simple; break things down to the most essential part: values. Does this job or relationship fit your values? Seeking the answer to this question is the most valuable journey many of us will undertake. It allows us to discern between meaningful and damaging relationships and careers paths. Focusing on this one question centers thoughts to what matters. When the excitement is gone, and we are exposed to the flaws, it can feel raw and uncomfortable. That's what reality is. I know now that my desire to always be "perfect" was holding me back from having genuine relationships with and feeling connected to my career. In cutting and running, I missed out on opportunities to grow and develop within my values. To deepen my beliefs and stance in this world. 

I was chasing ghosts, fleeting ideas of a reality that are non-existent. It's not like I was being malicious, I mean who doesn't want perfect? The crazy thing is, when you realize things aren't perfect all the time, it makes the sweet moments even sweeter.

Looking forward

Where do we go from here? How do we take this realization and apply it to daily life? When we feel the sting of reality, we should reflect on why we feel upset, mad, hut, or sad. When we can identify the source of our frustration it often reveals our personal strengths. The things that have the power to alter moods, do so for a reason. I was mad at education because I care about it. I feel called to make improvements. To speak up. I have gone from wanting to quit being a teacher to become a personal trainer to being in grad school working on my administrative license. As far as relations ships, I have had to grow deeper in understanding what my values are. I was giving the wrong qualities too much power in my decision making. All of those failed relationships were failing on purpose. Discovering my values has led me to at least look in the right places. 

Time to share

I share my story because I know I'm not alone. There are many out there like me who chase perfection. Who are lacking in quality relationships. Who have lost their identity within their vocation. Who are playing the blame game in attempt rationalize bailing. It is my hope that these people receive this message. Life it's not about achieving perfection, it's about finding beauty in all life's flaws. Understand that things frustrate us because it is something of value. If you keep chasing perfection, you'll never find it. If you center yourself on your values, be unwavering, the right things will happen. 

A closing thought

I can tell you that since coming to this realization I have had a vast improvement in mood and outlook. I feel a renewed energy. My students have even noticed a difference. One of my students recently exclaimed, "Mr. DeRose, you've been in a good mood lately!" Yes, I have. I am free of the burden of achieving perfection. It's not lost on my family either. My sister asked about my change in disposition. Unable to clearly explain, I simply told her a lot has changed.