By: Dave DeRose
Boy, do I have the ability to frustrate myself! You see, God gifted me with a high-def memory
but with an extremely slow processor. I
react in situations and remember everything from people’s voice inflections,
slight eye rolls, and body language after the fact. When I am by myself, I begin to analyze the interaction
or interactions (they could be over multiple weeks) in vivid detail. The major caveat is I am not an analytical
thinker, I am an emotional one. So as I
break apart each detail, I feel a plethora of emotions; anger, sadness,
embarrassed, but what consumes me is regret.
These emotions guide my actions, which can make things even
worse! When I act based on these
negative feelings it compounds the issue. The cycle of over analyzing reoccurs and
only deepens my despair.
I tend to do my best thinking while I’m driving home from
church, by myself, listening to relaxing worship music. I probably shouldn't say “best thinking”
after the type of rational aforementioned, but you get my point. Tonight it was bad. I was analyzing a series of interactions I
had with a friend of mine. After I had
concluded that I had not acted correctly I began to panic. Negative thoughts crashed through my mind
like a tsunami. I convinced myself that
I had impacted our friendship in a negative way. I concluded that I aided in “creating space”
between the two of us. Emotional pain
stung my heart. I began to pray, “God,
why do I mess up all the time? Why can’t I just figure it out? Why didn't I
react correctly? I should have seen it sooner. If I had, none of this would be
happening.” I kept repeating those thoughts for about fifteen minutes as I
drove on the dark empty highway. Each
mile added more pain and more anxiety. I
was sinking fast.
Then I felt it. I feel the best way to describe it is with a
science term, paradigm shift. Merriam-Webster defines a paradigm as, “A model or pattern for something that may be copied, a
theory or a group of ideas about how something should be done, made, or thought
about. I was stuck in this destructive pattern of thinking.” In an instant it
changed. God put it on my heart and it
changed my questions. They went from, “Why
me?” to “Why am I feeling like this? Why am I doing this to myself?” Just as
quickly as the questions came, I had the answer. I can’t control the past. I can control how miserable I make myself. I
feel like God told me to make peace. Make
peace with my thoughts.
A weight lifted off my shoulders. My epiphany: my self-induced panic stemmed
from my selfish desire to control my life.
I wanted to manipulate my interactions with people to get what I want.
This is not my right nor is it righteous.
Understanding this gives me freedom to let go. This was God being candid
with me.
It challenged the strength of my faith. I need to have faith in God’s plan for me and
make peace. Make peace with who I am, actions I have taken, things I’ve said,
intentions, and personality quarks I have. I have faith that God won’t steer me
wrong. Before I thought I could control outcomes with people, now I know God has
control. He will keep me afloat as I
step out of my boat of control and into the stormy sea of faith. I didn't have
a thinking problem, I had a faith problem.
This was my paradigm shift of thought this evening.
